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midnight railings revisited - Accretions

Fata Morgana
2003-09-30 23:38
midnight railings revisited
Public
pessimisticpessimistic
I've come out of the last few Political and Economic Development lectures feeling so ineffectual - these global systems have so much inertia. I feel insignificant up against these huge systems, like an insect in the cogs of the Campanile, when I try to think about what I could do that could possibly make a difference to anyone.

Meanwhile, my creativity is starving. Every moment of every day is allotted to something - I don't have time for even a walk in the hills or a sunset at the Berkeley marina - and even if I had the time, I lack the accomplices that make painting D.I. furniture or batiking clothes or cooking the strangest thing in the cookbook or making up alternate slang that much more fun. David and I talked a few weeks ago about thinking vs. feeling. I tend to live in my head, and for quite some time I've done nothing from the heart. Do I really like the person I'm becoming?
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jillB
jilflirt
2003-10-03 18:18 (UTC)
(no subject)
Hmmm...It sounds like you need to carve out a bit of personal space for yourself. Even if it seems like it is taking away from your productivity.

And fwiw, *I* like the person you are.
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Fata Morgana
chimerically
2003-10-04 01:22 (UTC)
(no subject)
Thanks. :~) I guess I just put a lot of pressure on myself to do something "useful" and "good," and sometimes it just feels like I can't. :~) Time for myself would be good. After this paper deadline Monday ... *sigh* :~)
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Caefus
caefus
2003-10-05 23:05 (UTC)
Stuck in the scheduling matrix
All is not lost! Just keep in mind that as you're waiting for your next creative opportunity, you're building up momentum and desire. Makes the chocolate cake taste all the more stunning. Paitning D. I. furniture -- that inspires me.
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Fata Morgana
chimerically
2003-10-07 00:39 (UTC)
Re: Stuck in the scheduling matrix
Thanks. I should make sure to have extra time around Xmas so I *can* do nutsy things with all you Utahrns! :~) We did such outrageous things in high school ... ah, in grad school, maybe I'll have the time. :~) At least I can be whimsical with my projects. It's good to even *think* about what I would or could do fairly regularly - it keeps me going ...
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(Anonymous)
2003-10-10 15:00 (UTC)
Keep in mind...
...the "person you are becoming" is not a static entity, even though it may seem that way in times of greatest stress and anxiety...it's so easy to convince ourselves our worst fears are actually truths when we are most fatigued. You are becoming exactly the person you have been your entire life: a dynamic, intelligent, creative entity capable of doing anything you wish--simply in a more evolved form.

I agree with friends that, regardless of what you're doing and of how busy your day is, carving even an hour in your day to do something entirely "selfish" for yourself, with yourself (not including anyone else, even intimates) could dramatically improve your quality of living. I'm sure you know this already and I'm simply blowing hot air. ~ Joshua
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Fata Morgana
chimerically
2003-10-15 09:29 (UTC)
Re: Keep in mind...
Thanks. :~) Yes, of course, I'm not static ... but I feel like if I get "off on the wrong track" long enough, I'll start to forget - or it'll be difficult to re-learn the playfulness I used to enjoy so much.
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(Anonymous)
2003-10-15 17:09 (UTC)
Re: Keep in mind...
All this akin to fear created by fatigue (perhaps)...I guess I don't believe in "long enough" and "forget". Who said playfulness couldn't be practiced in every moment, even amid serious work constraints; even in your present state of overscheduled, overworked, underrested school/work/social constraints? Who said playfulness couldn't be cultivated again in a life where it has not flurished for some time? These merely thoughts generated by fears generated by fatigue generated by ?????? (you figure it out)
~ Joshua
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Fata Morgana
chimerically
2003-10-16 17:49 (UTC)
Re: Keep in mind...
Well, part of it is being in the overly-literal, overly-analytical major of CS - some people can be playful when learning about compilers, but I'm just not that interested. :~) That swallows up so much time. Also, all my high-school friends, whose creative impulses complemented mine so well, are in Salt Lake, and I haven't found anyone else I can be that comfortable and spontaneous around since.

I definitely believe that I could forget how to be silly and spontaneous. When I hear stories about the free-wheeling hippie my mom used to be when she was younger, I wonder when and why she transformed into the career-oriented, ... emotionally-detached person she is today. The change is startling, and if she can do it, I could too.
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(Anonymous)
2003-10-31 14:43 (UTC)
Re: Keep in mind...
I guess believing is seeing...or was it the other way around? or was it the other way around???

If you like to, you can be old and crotchety and uncreative. If she wanted to, your mother could be refreshed and inspired and creative. It's all about will, intent, volition...

I believe one can cultivate creativity in his/her life just as much I believe one can cultivate unhappiness in her/his life.

Perhaps I'm too optomistic? ~Joshua
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